My Decision

I can't stay here.

I have to leave.

I've suffered from too much ugliness here.

I need to surround myself with positive, uplifting forces.

I don't care what anyone says about the Midwest. It's not very nice at all. I've experienced far more compassion and warmth in New York and the west coast.

So, with that said...

GO WEST, YOUNG WOMAN!

Another Simple Meandering...
I really wish that Albert Wang could fully realize how much he as changed me for the better since he came into my life, how deeply I love him and how badly I wish I could be with him every minute of the day and night with him. When we started dating (September 2008 and still going strong!) I thought that he was such a complex person, unlike anyone I've ever met. Oh, the things I could learn from him! And, boy, have I ever! I have learned more about myself, communication, family relations, "love telepathy" and so much more!

I remember telling him a few months back that I knew him more than he does himself. He was rather taken aback but, then flattered. He realized that through thick and thin, good times and bad, and richer and poorer, I will never leave his side. Even when he doesn't see me, I'm there. Even when I'm up to my armpits busy or juggling several things at once, he's really number one in my life. I am completely earnest when I say that I will dump everything in my world just for him.

I don't care that he will sometimes deny it, but I need his strength and belief in me to keep going. He expects, almost demands results from me in most things I do. Regardless of what he may think, he's my catalyst and when I get going, I rely on him to keep me in action. Ironically, he thinks I'm so decisive, strong and independent already. That I don't need him. I'm really not really all that decisive, strong and independent. I was a bit like that when Timmy was a child but, that was only for raising Timmy. The strength and independence was only for raising a son practically solo. What else could I do? Most times, I'm too embarassed to admit my weaknesses to him. I don't want him to look at me like I'm a fool, that I'm one of the weakest people ever, scared to take risks and looking challenges in the eye. This shows how much I love and respect him.

If ever comes a day that he leaves me, I will literally wither away and die. I know that sounds rather dramatic, but it's true. An ex-girlfriend from his late teens to early 20s recently popped into our lives. For four days straight I was teetering on a mental cliff. The thought of some woman, disregarding our relationship just for her selfish vanity, to come into our lives and trying to wreck what we have built makes me literally insane!

If he were here right now I would hold him so tightly. Wrap my arms around him to keep anything and anyone from harming him. Snuggle him to let him know he's safe with me.

Simple meanderings about how much I love Albert and how much he loves me...

Zumba Biggest Loser

Tomorrow is the first weigh-in for the Biggest Loser contest at the Zumba class I'm taking. Whoever loses the largest percentage of fat wins prizes and the pot. This is great incentive for me to finally get all this gawdawful fat off my body.

I wish I could get rid of these fibroids at the same time!

I'll post my weight tomorrow so I can track my progress.

Merry Christmas

Okay... it's come and gone.

Hopefully I'll be able to find some good, warm sweaters on sale REAL CHEAP! I'll run by West County Center to NY&C (or whatever it's called) and check it out. After all, that's where I got my really cute argyle sweater.

Al's in Chicago by now I'm sure. He's probably sooo tuckered out from the driving and keeping his nephews entertained and dealing with Clark's condition and the news surrounding that. Maybe my presence there will ease his mind some.

I’m finding myself flitting about, blithely unaware in a sheltered panglossian state of mind.

Regrets? I may have a few...

I wish I knew then what I know now. How was I supposed to know??? No one told me and I didn't know enough what to ask. But, I don't consider myself having lost out. I'm not giving up and righting the wrongs that I've made. That's really all I can do...